Dealing with Separation

Hello, Goddess. I’m going to take a moment to be vulnerable. A few months ago, I took inspired action. My soul screamed for me to be set free from a marriage that was tearing apart my soul and bringing me to a very angry place. It was something that I always thought about doing but I never thought I was brave enough to do. I took my two kids, one of them still an infant and moved out. I chose separation as my course and it was the most difficult and boldest decision I had ever made.

marriage separation
Photo of me by Tiana Smith Make up by Tiana Smith Follow her on Instagram @tiananyree

There was no cheating or hitting. There was, however, name-calling, deep resentment, severe irritation, vicious arguments, and basically we had abandoned each other and were growing apart. He also refused to get counseling. Bottom line, I was miserable and I’m pretty sure he was too although he was super shocked when I announced that I was leaving.

 

  1. Separation taught me that I’m strong AF.

The first night I laid on the floor in our new apartment because our air mattress had a hole in it, I felt so incredibly sad, scared, and lonely. Then one of the neighbors got into a horrendous screaming match, and I felt that I made a mistake.

I kept pushing, however, and my parents helped me move my furniture (my husband helped, too (weird, I know). I decorated the way I wanted to and made myself at home as much as possible (I would never feel quite at home there, though). The important thing was that I did what I was set out to do. Leave a situation that did not serve my soul.

 

  1. Separation taught me that if I don’t have the resources I’ll get them.

I had no clue how to get an apartment, get renters insurance, or set up electricity, but I figured it out. This boosted my confidence. Me, my five-year-old, and my five-month-old were going to be just fine.

 

  1. Separation taught me that listening to my Higher-self is a must.

My soul was screaming that a marriage like the one I had was not what was good for me. It had been whispering it to me for years, hell even before we got married. Now my higher-self was yelling for me to get out and I finally did it. After the initial sadness and shock at having my life turned upside down, I felt like a badass. I had my back and I would do anything to make sure that my spirit was always taken care of.

During dark times, self-care and staying on track at work and in your personal life is a must. Check out some glow-up tips here.

  1. Separation taught me that I will always choose me.

Believe it or not, there is a time to be selfish. In the selfishness of self-love and loving yourself you in turn help everyone around you, your babies, your friends, and the people you work with. Why? Because you’re in bliss because you took ownership of your life and you cultivated, carved, and manifested a better situation for yourself.

 

 

  1. Separation taught me that you must always set boundaries.

You should have lines that no one is allowed to cross. There are names that you won’t call me. There are things that I will not allow you to do to me. This goes for all areas of your life. This also goes for when people ask you, “was it really that bad.” Yeah. What you allow and what I allow don’t have to be the same. I also don’t have to answer to anyone else about my life decisions. Your boundaries will piss people off but who cares. This is your life.

  1. Separation taught me that I can’t do unconditional love unless it.

I will not allow a man or anyone to disrespect me. I’m not the type of woman who can just allow a man to do anything to me while I cry and bare it year after year. No thanks.

 

  1. Separation taught me that my children won’t grow up in a house with loud yelling and disrespect.

There will be arguments and disagreements but you can take the venom and hate out of your arguments. With counseling, you can learn how to better communicate and ultimately fight fare.

 

  1. Separation taught me that I don’t want to, but I can and will take care of my children by myself.

Leaving my husband made him step up in a big way. It was then I realized how hard I was working. I am very grateful that he stepped up, but let’s say he hadn’t, I learned, in our separation, that I could supply all my babies needs (except that of needed a father).

 

  1. Separation taught me that children may act out because of the split and not know why.

My daughter’s behavior got worse during our separation. Fortunately, my husband and I became a united front, reinforcing consequences and rewards. Don’t be afraid to see a family counselor to get assistance with your kids’ emotions.

 

  1. Separation taught me that you must have your own.

Wise women have always told me that I must have my own money. Money provides freedom and access. If I did not have my own income and my own bank account, I would have been trapped. I hate feeling trapped.

 

  1. Separation taught me that I have an awesome support system.

Between my parents who were sad about the split but still help me move and the friends who gave me emotional support and lots of hugs, I realized that I am very blessed. I wasn’t lonely after all.

 

  1. Separation taught me that I love this man.

This does not mean I would return to the same thing. When I left my husband, I had no thoughts of returning. I didn’t want to work it out. I was ready for the “d” word (divorce if you were thinking of something else, lol). I had to stand in my power and not return until we went to counseling, set goals, learn a better method of communication. Most importantly, I know that love is just not enough. You have to work.

 

13. Separation taught me that everything

will always fall into place

It may not be the place that we imagined but we will always end up where we need to be when we need to be there. Go with the flow.

 

Update: I have returned home. I’m happy to be back in my cozy home. I’ve returned with boundaries and expectations of both my husband and myself. I realized we have to be intentional in our relationship and set goals and encourage each other to be the best. We can’t be afraid to invite a counselor into our relationship in order to find different strategies.

 

I pray that we manifest the type of relationship that we both dreamed of and we flourish. I also hope we never forget these lessons we learned.

Marriage separation

About The Author

Valarie Thomas

I am a Pinterest Virtual Assistant, an author, mommy, and lifestyle blogger, Air Force wife, and mother of 2, and I’m here to inspire other mommies to honor their higher selves and live life with ease.

8 COMMENTS

  1. Chaena | 3rd Jan 18

    This was so powerful. Thank you
    For your willingness to share your process and how you put you first and used radical self-love to create space for a better relationship
    With your husband.

    • Valarie Thomas | 3rd Jan 18

      Thank you for reading, Chaena. Yes. Self-love is the key to everything.

  2. Ja | 8th Jan 18

    Absolutely beautiful! I love how this was written but most of all I love your authenticity & vulnerability. Powerful lessons & I’m so happy that you all worked it out! Amazing

    • Valarie Thomas | 8th Jan 18

      Thank you, Ja. Yes, these lessons were powerful. Thank you for taking the time to post.

  3. Michelle | 8th Jan 18

    Awesome. Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability. I also learned many of these same lessons when I left my ex-husband. Unfortunately, we were not able to reconcile, but I knew what I wanted when I begin dating my current husband. Now I have a completely different marriage, one that I’ve always wanted

    • Valarie Thomas | 8th Jan 18

      Amen. I’m glad you found the man of your dreams. Marriage will teach you what you want and don’t want really fast. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

  4. Veronika | 9th Jan 18

    You were very brave to leave. I wonder though what made you come back?
    Veronika

    https://brunettefromwallstreet.com

    • Valarie Thomas | 9th Jan 18

      Good question. It was not my intention to come back. in fact it was financially more difficult when it came to breaking the lease. And emotionally difficult because I wanted to be sure his new behavior wasn’t a ploy to get me back. Time will tell. But want made me come back…Him finally seeing the light and being willing to work on our relationship and seek help. I didn’t leave to make him appreciate me but that’s what happened.

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